Humor Time

just a collection of text jokes i received.. enjoy while it last!

after sex with coed...

congressman: how much?
coed: P200 lang
congressman: what? how can u exist on 200?
coed: sideline ko lang to. blackmail talaga business ko.

***

isang araw, nakita kita umiiyak sa ulan...
lumapit ako, sabi mo "wala kang pakialam! dito lang ako"

tumawa ako at sabay sabi,
"bahala ka! Yung dede mo bakat na.."

***

Dad : "How's school today?"
son : "We studied MATH and I did good!"
Dad : "Ows? ok, let me test you: "If I'll give you P300 & mommy gives
you P500,
ano sagot mo?"
son : "Great! TENK YOU PO!"

***

masahista: sir, ELMO pala name nyo.
man: hindi ah!
masahista: yan kc nakatatoo sa manoy mo, liit nga eh!
man: cge himas. o anu na basa?
masahista: wow! EL FILIBUSTERISMO!!

***

Adik: Will you marry me?
Pokpok: Oo, pero okay lang ba sayo kahit meron akong past?
Adik: Oo, okay lang. Wala naman akong future eh!

***

Pedro: Pare pinapili ako ng misis ko, pag-ibig daw o kaibigan?
Jaun: So kaya ka andito nagyon dahil pinili mo kaibigan?
Pedro: Hindi pare, Pag-ibig pinili ko

***

James Yap: kris, panglima na ba ako na lalake sa buhay mo?





Kris Aquino: hindi ha, sa totoo lang..... Thhhhhhhirty something na.U

***

wife: hon, sino si trixie?
husband: ah, kabayo yun. yung pinustahan ko sa karera.
wife: ah ganon? sige, animal ka! sagutin mo yung telepono, tumatawag
yung kabayo
mo!

***

Isang gabi,
nakasakay ako sa jeep.
Nagtataka ako kung
bakit lahat sila
natakatingin
sa akin.

Ayaw nilang kumibo.
Nakatitig lang sila sa akin.
Hanggang sa may isang
naglakas ang loob
at sinabing,





"Hijo, inarkila namin 'to."

***

May isang bus na pinasok ng isang rapist

RAPIST: Nandito ako para mang-rape! Kung ilan ang ngipin niyo, ganun
karaming
beses ko kayo rereypin!

DALAGA: Naku po, pakawalan niyo na ang lola ko. Wala na siyang ngipin.

LOLA: Gaga! May isa pa!

***

Teacher: What famous disaster occurred in the year 1912?
Know-it-all student: The Titanic struck an iceberg!
Teacher: Yes and where did it occur?
Know-it-all student: North Atlantic!
Teacher: What month?
Know-it-all student: April! 12th of April!
Teacher: How many passengers and crew perished!?
Know-it-all student: 1,517!
Teacher: And what were their names?!

***

Isang hatinggabi, si Sadako ay sumakay ng jeep patungong Balete at dun
siya...

dun siya wish you girlfriend was hot like me
dun siya
dun siya baby
dun siya!

***

as i watched the ants crawl upon the wall, i noticed that no matter how
busy
they are, they still stop & communicate...

i hope we could be like ants...

nakakalakad sa walls!

***

(in a cabinet meeting ...)

GMA: oshige ... kung sino man ang tamaan ng bola na 'to ay siyang
magre-resign

(initsa ang bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya ...)

GMA: o ... praktis lang un noh? ulet!

***

sa 1 ospital...

Lola (may cancer) : doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : che-chemo lola.
Lola : t!t! mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!

***

A prince was cursed by a witch that he could speak only 1 word/year.
But if he
doesn't he could save the words for the next year. 1 day he saw a
pretty
princess and fell in luv, he waited for 10 years to say

"darling i love you, i would like to marry you"

guess what the princess replied....



"PARDON??"

***

ice cream ba
tlaga ung
iniendorz ni
pacquiao sa
komrxal nya
na nestle
ice cream?
kala ko kc
softdrinks eh?
kc sbi nya..





"oh mga bata..
MIRINDA na.."

***

may ngongo sa bus:

ngongo: mama mara lang a tami
(hindi huminto ang bus)
ngongo: mama mara!
(tuloy tuloy parin ang bus)
ngongo: mama inami ng mara e!
driver: ori a! aala o niloloo mo lan ao e!

***

"danbe fuld baragats daragats
emstel emstel jenepram dablak.."

ulit-ulitin nyo.. magegets nyo rin..

***

A toy...

A leaf...

A toy...
A leaf...

A toy
A leafin mo kahit hindi batid
Aaminin to minsan ato'y manhid...

***

sa mall..

mom: anak, wag kang bibitaw sa palda ko para di ka mawala.
anak: opo!

2 hours later...

mom: mamang sikyo, may nakita ba kayong batang may dalang palda?

***

hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si inday.


dahil nkasulat:







concentrate.

***

Pag nagalit mama mo,
kasi late ka na umuwi...

Wag ka matakot.
Unahan mo:
"Bakit ngayon lang ako umuwi?
San ako nanggaling?"

Sabay kuha ng bag at damit saka mo isigaw...

"Punyetang bata ako!
Hala sige lumayas ako!!"


***

TOP 8 Melanie Marquez Quotes:

1.I couldn't care a damn!
2.What's your next class before this?
3.Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the
top? (ulitin
natin hanggang mamatay tayo!)
4. Hello, my brother Joey is out of town. Would you like to wait?
5.Don't touch me not!
6. Hello? For a while, please wait yourself.
7. You!! You're not a boy anymore! You're a man anymore!
8. Come, let's join us! (Why not, no?)

***

Erap writing on a slum book

Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne.... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenner... (erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg... (erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne... (erase)
Arnold Clavio